Before this precise moment right now I was a worker in the sewage system under one of China’s secret industrial cities. Let me tell you about the sewage system under a typical secret industrial city of China: full of sewage. No, full of sewage. Picture this: obloid tunnels a little […]

Hi there! I know we haven’t spoken before so let me take the time to introduce myself: I’m The Lying Turbot. You have to capitalise the first letter of each word in The Lying Turbot because that’s my name. I’m not just blessed with having a name that starts with […]

Beofoxe In the land of the Danes in the kingdom ruled over by Hrughkhar, son of Phlegm, the forest grew deep and dark around the great hall that held the old king’s throne. And the mood in the hall was as deep and dark as the forest outside for the […]

I’ve got an uncle that is a little odd and does odd things. Not to me. Put down that phone to social services. He lived on a boat for a while and entertained himself by beading his hair and watching it sway as the waves rocked his leaking shell of […]

For as long as anyone of import could recall the Thompsons had enjoyed a reputation of being among the most hospitable – and therefore liked – of the larger families along the Hampshire and Wiltshire border. The village which ran up to and around the southernmost tip of the Beaufort […]

Now it’s interesting that you bring up the subject of “giraffes” because – and stop me if I’ve told you this before – I had the pleasure of being a close friend of celebrated giraffe explorer Gerald Affable back in the early 20s. Of course, many people claimed to know […]

I and Holmes had seldom crossed paths recently. For me it was simply a case of juggling my work at the practice, my marriage, and my mistress, a negro woman smuggled up the Thames by a Prince, no less, as reward for my having cured him of a rather nasty […]